I never doubted I would be a mother. Ever since I was a kid, I have loved children. I had a desire to raise and nurture my own children and build a happy family. However, when it was time for me to be a mother, things got complicated.
Do I Really Want to Be a Mom?
My eldest son has Down Syndrome. When I was pregnant, I had already learned that the fetus had problems. During this time, I kept asking myself, “Am I willing to embrace the child? Am I a suitable caregiver?” Whenever it came to my mind that I was going to give birth to a child with an intellectual disability, I felt sad, and to a certain extent, fear. Since I had no right to deny his right to live, I made a decision before he was born: I went to the Department of Social Services and signed a document of intent to give up my parental rights.
Being a Mother – Confused and Lost
My child was born with a lot of medical problems and was rushed to surgery right away. Without knowing why, I found myself concerned about his well-being and wanted to come to his aid. When the nurse asked if I would donate blood for his blood transfusion during surgery, I said yes without hesitation and felt glad that I could be of help. At the same time, I was conflicted. Since I had decided to give up my custodial rights, I thought I should have nothing to do with him anymore. I felt so confused and unsettled that I didn’t even know how to express my thoughts with others. I could only cry out to God.
God’s Intervention and Transformation – No Fear in Love
I stayed with my mom after my discharge from the hospital. The next day, when I was half awake, I heard the song “Lonely Child” and the lyrics vividly spoke to me. I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming, but it seemed like the veil had been removed and I was sure God was using the song to help me realize that deep inside me I didn’t want to let go of my child! The following day I let the medical social worker know that I had changed my mind and wanted to revoke my application. My heart filled with joy and satisfaction when it was done. After this, throughout the first month of my postpartum rest, I was full of energy. It is so true that there is no fear in love!
Remark:
I believe that because of God’s intervention, our family can experience joy and peace throughout our son’s life, in spite of all the difficulties.
Editors: Even in an ordinary life, challenges are inevitable. Presence Life Planning Curriculum (PLPC) aims to help believers live out their faith with wisdom in the face of all kinds of pressure and challenges. Here are two of the PLPC modules: “Embracing Your Life: Discovering Your Uniqueness, Life Goals, and Dreams” and “Rising Above Limitations: Living a Proactive Life Despite Limitations.” The author is a PLPC participant. Her sharing not only presents the struggles and breakthroughs in learning what it means to be a mother – a mother of a special needs child, but it also reveals her reflections on the two PLPC modules designed to unlock the keys to joy and peace when life is hard. We hope that her sharing would energize you as you explore life and overcome difficulties.
Reflections and Prayers:
1. Is there anything in your life that is troubling you right now?
2. Pray and open your heart to God and ask Him to speak to you.
3. Remember and reflect on your experiences of God’s intervention and transformation in your life. Then give thanks to Him!
Written by: Anonymous and Presence Editors
(The author is a participant of the Presence Life Planning Curriculum. The article is part of her reflection during the study. © Author retains copyright and grants Presence and its affiliate partners the right of publication.)
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