Husband and Wife – Lover? Enemy? Part 1

Between a husband and a wife, what do you think is more likely to happen— to become lovers or to become enemies? In the seminar “Couple Relationships – Lover? Enemy?”, Dr. Agnes Ip used the love story between David and Michal to present the complexities in a relationship. In 1 & 2 Samuel, Saul gave his daughter, Michal, to David in marriage and “Michal loved David” (1 Samuel 18:28). Later, when Saul tried to kill David, Michal deceived and rebelled against her father to save David. Anyone who sees how Michal loved her husband would expect a happy ending for this marriage. However, in 2 Samuel 6, David (then King David) expressed his joy by dancing before the Lord, and Michal “despised him” for it (2 Samuel 6:16). She questioned, scorned, mocked, and even belittled David. What made a woman, who used to love her husband so much, despise her husband? What soured their relationship?

Michal loathed David when he danced before the Lord. It’s not hard to imagine that she might have a bias against dancing; maybe she was used to the royal etiquette she was raised in and saw no reason for a king to casually dance before the slave girls, or maybe her family customs instilled a strong sense of hierarchy and forbade a king from showing his true emotions before people, causing David’s actions to offend her. In addition, Michal’s value system and faith experiences were not compatible with David’s, so there was no way for her to appreciate the heart of David when he danced before the Lord to praise Him.

Raised in a royal family where rules were strictly followed, Michal might not have been accustomed to expressing her true emotions. Because she didn’t know how to properly express her negative feelings, she chose to follow Saul’s example and vented her emotions in a hurtful way, which ended up damaging their marriage.

In a marriage, oftentimes, miscommunication and how feelings are expressed are the culprits of conflicts. In the story of David and Michal, Michal mocked David to show her displeasure with David dancing. In a marriage, if one always scorns, the other will likely fight back, resulting in scuffling with each other. Dr. Ip suggested that in the case of displeasure, couples should try to put themselves in the other’s shoes. Also, a gentle response like, “I need your help,” “thanks for your understanding,” “thanks for putting up with me,” or a simple “thank you” is a good start in lightening the situation. This kind of response communicates that you are not seeking control, and in return your partner is more willing to open up to you.

In a marriage, both husband and wife are affected by their different cultural backgrounds, value systems, and burdens from their family of origin. If a couple can learn to recognize the influence of their partner’s background on their character and interpersonal relationships, it helps them understand each other better. In the event there is a difference in opinion, they can still respect each other’s boundaries, gently communicate with empathy, and reach a resolution acceptable to both. By doing so, a marriage can face a more secure future.

Written by: Monica Chan Yip

Related videos (in Cantonese):

Husband and Wife – Lover? Enemy? Part 1

Husband and Wife – Lover? Enemy? Part 2

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