We often ask men, “Do you understand your wife?” But what about ladies? Do you understand your husband? We sometimes hear wives complaining to their husbands, “Why don’t you understand me?” and do not receive a response, so deep down what are the true thoughts and feelings of husbands? Many wives may think they know their husbands well, but do they truly understand men’s four most desired emotional needs?
1. Feeling Secure
In general, men usually want to appear very competent and capable. They want to act as gentlemen, but once in a while, men are also skeptical of their own abilities. They may worry if they are a good father or a good husband. Most men would agree that they sometimes carry a sense of inferiority and insecurity. They, too, need praise and affirmation from their better half. If the wife repeatedly says, “Why did you do that? Why didn’t you know how to do such things?” the husband will be particularly discouraged. If husbands keep feeling as if they are not good enough, they will give up and feel devastated.
2. Being Respected
Most men know that their wives love them. However, when wives shame their husbands for making mistakes, this often leads men to suppress their emotions. Their inner hurt feelings will cause them to keep distance from their wives. To them, being respected is definitely more important than being loved.
3. Being Trusted
Sometimes husbands desire to do something, but wives may discourage them by telling them, “You can’t do it” or “You’ll get hurt by doing this.” This will only lead to anger and frustration. If wives are willing to lead a conversation with a gentle tone and discuss how each decision impacts them, it will be easier for husbands to listen with open mindedness. If he still insists on acting on his desires, it would be best for the wife to support his decision. If he succeeds, the wife can cheer for him; even if he fails, he can still learn from his mistakes with his wife by his side. Building trust and allowing him enough space to learn will create a more intimate relationship.
4. Being Encouraged
Everyone needs encouragement. No one wants to be humiliated after doing something wrong. Of course, if your better half repeatedly makes mistakes in your relationship, it becomes quite frustrating. While it is oftentimes easy for wives to find fault in their husbands, they seldom offer an alternative solution. For instance, you are sharing your feelings and only want your husband to listen, but his frequent inputs of advice make you frustrated. At that moment, consider telling him, “Can you give me five or 10 minutes? Let me finish what I want to say, then you can give me advice. Is that OK?” After he finishes listening to you, you can affirm him by saying, “Thank you for letting me express everything! I feel so relieved! OK, now you can tell me your thoughts.” Men will feel respected and encouraged, and will definitely pay more attention to your conversation next time.
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 (NIV)
If you can grasp these four fundamental needs of your husband, it will bring a more intimate marital relationship and a happier life!
Content by: Dr. Agnes Ip / Excerpted by: Monica Chan-Yip
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